Wisdom and Youth

This morning I got caught a few cars back behind the school bus on Highway 51. I usually find this annoying since there aren't too many passing zones and if you are more than a couple cars back, you are completely out-of-luck. Perhaps, it's because I don't have human children, but I never really paid much attention to the kids waiting for the bus. This morning at the second stop, a girl that I'd guess was 13 or 14 was waiting by herself sitting on the ground She was quite thin and had very long brown hair that she had to brush out of her face as she stood up. She was in no real hurry to get on the bus and paused a second before stepping on. Was she afraid? She reminded me of me.

I thought about being that age and what it would be like to go back and relive my life over. I thought about the love and the heartbreak that she had yet to know. What path would her life take? When I think about myself in the present, I never really assign an age. I just am. Today, I felt how much of my life has gone by as I watched her. I felt old. Just a little over a month ago, I never would have said that. I was happy in my relationship and my fine art paintings had been receiving increasing recognition. I marveled at how well my life was going. I certainly didn't picture myself a widow. Not at this age.

I don't really want to live my life over. There are many, many things that I would not want to revisit. The fear is one. I spent so much of my life fearful of what others thought of me only to have that fear perceived as arrogance, when in fact people scared me to death most of the time. I just wanted to fade into the background. I wasn't good at thinking on my feet when it came to talking to people and at times would even stutter from nervousness. It was best to stay silent. I still am absolutely terrible at small talk and I dread parties with a lot of people I don't know. I even hated having to call strangers on the phone. Now my hearing loss and need to lip read compounds all those issues.

I find now that a lot of the fear is gone. That I was able to speak at Tom's memorial was nothing short of a miracle. I needed to do that to honor him. I practiced out loud probably 50 times at home and went to the building by myself, turned the microphone on and spoke it another 5 times that morning. When it came time, I wasn't nervous. I was already seated at the front as people filed in. I had no idea of the turnout until I stood up and turned to face everyone. I was absolutely amazed and awed by it. Tom had no idea how many people's lives he had impacted with his own. People we hadn't seen for years and people that I only knew through Tom's stories came. Instead of being terrified, the numbers gave me strength.

I find I speak more openly with more people now. I don't necessarily care what they think of me. I finally know who I am and that I deserve to be happy. I will be happy again. The only real choice is to move forward. I don't envy the girl. I'd never go back. Without the trials I've been through, I wouldn't be the person I have become and I think I turned out okay.

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The painting is "Calm Grasses" and is a lot just up from our house. You don't necessarily have to go far to find beauty. What was it that Dorothy learned..."If ever go looking for my heart's desire again, I won't look any further than my own back yard." ...one of Tom's favorite movies and Janice didn't even know that when she suggested singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" at the service. This painting depicts how I want to feel.