My Loss

I wrote and read this for Tom's Celebration of Life Service...

I am lost.

My mind wanders through a maze of memories. Random moments I thought long forgotten spring forth to block my path and I turn away.

I have lost my soulmate. Not a term I use lightly. Tom was unique, eccentric, always an individual. He was his own person and didn't give a damn that he didn't fit into the accepted norm. He knew the real me. The good and the bad and I him. I never had to guess what he really felt or thought. He was completely honest. I cherished this about him.

He had passion and thirst for knowledge. He devoured books. Cormac McCarthy was a favorite, but recently books on robot design, programming, mathematics and electronics were always in his hands while I drove us to and from work. He had a curiosity about life that was rather like a child's and I could see the world anew through his eyes. The technical and the artistic given equal weight in his mind.

He would describe himself as a hermit, as someone who didn't need or want people, but his actions were those of a compassionate man. If you needed help, he was right there to lend a hand. If you were his friend, you had a fiercely loyal friend for life.

Most of you know of my 3-year journey and near death before my medical illness was finally diagnosed in late 2008. In many ways I think it was harder on Tom than me. He was my rock. I didn't want to leave him alone in this world. He was my reason to keep searching. Keep fighting. It could have all ended right then. And the way I see it, I was given nearly 3 more years with my soulmate. I am eternally grateful for that.

I come to realize that the maze is not to confound and torture, but is in fact a labyrinth.

There is a difference.

It's not a path of potential dead ends, but a single spiraling road I must walk to contemplate my life with Tom. To see it with true happiness and not through the pain of loss. I do not know how long the road, but to find the center is to find peace.