Cosmic Joke

Apology to current followers:
You were expecting art. To follow along on my artistic journey. I fully intend to keep painting and posting art, but the loss of my husband is taking me on a different road and I need to work it out in words. You are welcome to stay. You are welcome to go.
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I feel like the target of some sick cosmic joke.

I spent nearly 6 years in an emotionally abusive relationship. Finally untangling myself from the controlling tentacles that ever so slowly picked away at the core of who I was leaving me a puppet to be manipulated and controlled. No one else knew. I had learned early in life that one is not to show weakness. I was high functioning, a perfectionist and excelled in my job. Underneath I was a pile of puzzle pieces with no picture on the box. No way to put myself back together. No vision of who I had been only what I was supposed to be now.

I got out. I was sitting in a familiar restaurant. A waitress, whose name I don't remember now, had become friendly over time. She was telling a story of a fight with her boyfriend. How she had to ask permission to do something. Again I don't remember what, but I was livid for her. How dare he. His behavior was completely unacceptable and she shouldn't stand for that. As I'm speaking to her the hypocrisy of my own words is too blatant for even me to ignore.

I met a new man before I left the old. He too was damaged, broken. Compensating in a similar manner. He saw my pain. He became my friend. Someone I confided in. Someone to encourage me to rebuild myself. Over time I fell in love with him. This is Tom.

It wasn't always easy. He could be as intense as he was tender. Quick to anger, but also ready to admit when he was wrong. He allowed me to be myself and encouraged me to paint again. Didn't try to remold me or tear me down.

You would think in a six-year relationship that separating belongings in a breakup would be difficult. It was unnervingly easy. I noted that in the first few months of Tom and I being together, we had more 'our' stuff than I ever had in the previous relationship. Tom wanted me in his life, not as a mere accessory to it. One weekend morning both of us sitting in bed reading, I turn to him and ask,
"Do you want to get married?"
Tom: "Really?"
Me: "Really."
Tom: "Okay."
It was that simple and effortless. I am happy.

Fast forward a few years. I begin to have strange symptoms. Heart racing, problems eating, anaphylactic-like reactions. Test after test comes back negative. I'm told by one doctor that they are really good at finding the serious illnesses, so I shouldn't be overly concerned." Nearly 3 years, dozens of specialists and innumerable trips to the ER later, I find myself in a hospital having had a heart attack and facing a life-threatening lung infection. They are trying to get my heart racing under control while simultaneously flooding me with multiple antibiotics to treat the infection that will take weeks to grow from a coughed up sample to know just exactly what it is, plus scanning every square inch of my body to figure out the root cause of everything. I'll die without surgery and may still die with it. My immune system is non-functional.

This is where I thank the people who allowed Tom to open up to them. I didn't know he had spoken his fears about me with you until now. I astound the doctors by not only surviving but with little complication. Eventually I have a diagnosis. A genetic blood/immune system disorder requiring lifelong treatment. I slowly start to rebuild my body. I was using a walker when I got out of the hospital. It was a 6-week stay. The walker was impossible to use in our home with its different levels and many steps, so I switched to a cane. I would fall periodically and would have to crawl until Tom could help me up. When I went back to work I was terrified of falling. I was still unable to get myself back up for many months afterward. Tom supported me emotionally while I rebuilt my body physically and struggled with the feelings of being so physically dependent on someone other than myself. I remember when he said he finally felt like he had his wife back. I finally felt like I had myself back too. I am happy.

I was happy. I was happy!

Universe: "Oh look at Rebecca. Time to knock her back down. Wasn't that such fun!"

I've been to Hell and back twice in my life already only to get pushed back into the flames. I lose Tom. Tom! The person I have loved deeper, truer than anyone else in my entire life and I can't even be mad. There is no one to be mad at. He didn't choose to leave me. No one else took him from me. He just..died.

I'm left to rebuild myself once again. Learn to be alone again. My last words to him over the phone were, "I love you too, sweetheart."

I always will.