Fate's Lesson

It's been a while since I've written. I've been busy with both the day job, painting and volunteer projects, but perhaps I just needed a break from my relentless self psychoanalysis and needed to attempt to enjoy life again by just feeling instead of thinking. A new friend was discussing his personal situation and my husband's death with me over lunch and it seems we have in common the need to research and read extensively to educate ourselves when confronted with something unfamiliar.

He commented that I must have had to overcome anger toward Tom for dying. Except I never did. I wasn't angry. It wasn't purposeful. I also found that I couldn't relate to what I was reading about how to deal with a death. It didn't really apply to me or what I was feeling. I had already survived more than most people had to deal with in their entire lives even before Tom's death. My perspective was very different. I was left with my own thoughts on the situation. I wanted to move forward with my life. Fate has made a point of beating one single lesson into my head and it is this, "life is fragile–we are only guaranteed this very moment–make it count." I made a decision recently to do so and start dating. For the friends that I have talked to about it, you are pretty evenly split. Some of you are all for it and others think I'm making a rash decision and am opening myself up for more pain or to be taken advantage of. Let me assure you that the logical rational side of me is still firmly intact and in control. Okay, there has admittedly been a little heart denting in this process, but I've got a pretty good handle on it now. I won't settle just to be with someone instead of alone.

I had already gone out with a couple people when I'm informed that my company wished to present a Lifetime Achievement Award to Tom at our National Sales Meeting. I was asked to design it, accept it and speak. Upon hearing this, I am simultaneously honored, terrified and angry. It was truly a wonderful gesture and I do appreciate it greatly, but I am terrified of public speaking, though I apparently do a good job of disguising that as I'm actually speaking. Mainly though, I was a little angry that almost no one seemed to realize the potential to reopen wounds. To me this was essentially another memorial service...people speaking about his life, showing the video compilation of our life together...I didn't really want to go through this again, not now that I was moving forward. I knew everyone's heart was in the right place and I felt compelled to go through with it. If not for me, then for Tom's brother, Paul, who was flying in to attend.

I didn't sleep the night before, rewrote my speech 4 times and tweaked wording right up until a few hours before the presentation. I stood in front of the mirror in the hotel room and read it over and over out loud until I no longer stumbled over the words. When the video began playing, I could see the tears in those around me. I was determined to hold it together. I had planned to watch the video about 20 times beforehand to make myself somewhat immune to the content, but I hadn't. I tapped my foot nervously, staring down periodically at my piece of paper just wishing it was over, but my favorite picture came up. You know, the one that makes everyone laugh, Tom eating surrounded by the fur-kids evenly spaced in a semi-circle around him staring at the plate...cat, dog, cat, dog, dog...I can't help but smile at that.

It was finally time for me. I walked up to the podium and was nearly overcome by the thunderous applause. Though I felt I didn't deserve it. This was Tom's award. I do know it was to show support for me, for my loss. It was appreciated. I even made you laugh. You don't know how I agonized about putting Tom's joke about us working together in there. I wondered if it was appropriate, but in the end it felt right to me, so I left it in. Once I began talking, the anxiety diminished greatly. I was determined to do the best job I could for Paul, for Tom...and for me. I don't regret it. My fear was that if I didn't speak, that I would regret.

I felt solemn the next day, not sad so much as introspective. Was it the right decision to move on with my life? I will always love him, but my heart still has room. Fate's lesson has not fallen on deaf ears. So I take control of the reins and ride forward into the unknown.

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About the Painting:

"Sky Waves"
4 feet wide by 16" high
Acrylic on Masonite board

$1,495

When my sister and I were driving home from seeing the building where we had Tom's service, this was the scene before us as we turned into my development.

Brain Stuck in Overdrive!

At some point in my life, I forgot how to turn my brain off. That may not seem like much of an issue at first. I tend to accomplish a lot in a short amount of time and have become a master multi-tasker. The problem is that when I get what I need to do done, I just move on to something else or come up with more things to do. Never just...stop.

As a child I would lay in the grass in the backyard and stare up at the sky. I would swear I could feel the earth turning and the hear the sound of air molecules moving. I felt the sun. I remember how when I closed my eyes my field of vision was a wash of red from the sun penetrating my eyelids and its blood vessels. Watching the sun move lower in the sky, I studied the way the changing light altered the way the surrounding landscape looked and felt. I say 'studied' but it was more through osmosis. Not some conscious, meticulous thought process, just feelings and impressions soaking into my soul.

The last couple of weekends have been quite nice and I've opened up the windows in the house. My drawing table is next to the door leading out into our screened porch. I opened it all the way. At some point I became aware of the breeze flowing through the room, the sound of birds singing, windchimes tinkling and I stopped painting for a moment. I felt a part of the Earth again. A connection I've been missing for some time now. I felt a calmness. It felt good.

When my husband and I went to South Carolina last November we spent a lot of time outdoors, but my brain was in full gear. Analyzing the surrounding landscape. Camera in hand. Looking for compositions for potential paintings. I never just stopped to enjoy myself without self-applied pressure to accomplish something.

Lately, I've been thinking about my responsibilities. Some necessary and unavoidable. I have to work a day job. I have to have the medical insurance. Fortunately, as a Graphic Designer I have a job that feeds my creative needs. I have to paint too. I just do. It's who I am. I am a driven person, and everything I've taken on I can accomplish, but at what price? I have chronic illnesses. They do impact me and I need to admit that to myself. Taking down time for my benefit alone is something that I NEED to do. Not fill up every minute of every day. Self-induced stress can only be doing harm.

On the commercial side, you have to be creative on demand to succeed. Not wait for 'inspiration' and I firmly apply this philosophy to Fine Art. At the same time, though, I believe that to keep the ideas flowing, I may need to take a step back in order to move forward. Clearing the conscious mind will leave room for the subconscious to breathe new life and creativity into the process.

There's an achievable balance here...somewhere. I need to get off this tightrope I'm walking onto solid ground and find it. One step back and 2 steps forward. I'll get there and hopefully calmer, happier and healthier than I am now.

About the painting:

This is the view from my back deck. One of our notorious Texas thunderstorms had just passed over. The low sun turned the clouds lavender and orange. Bee Creek is a natural creek (though artifically widened at points) that leads into Lake Granbury.

"Storm Clouds Over Bee Creek"

-Granbury, Texas

Acrylic on Board

16" x 12.25"

note: dimensions are unframed size comes framed

$595

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painting $595.00 painting plus shipping $615.00 In Texas: painting plus tax $644.00 In Texas: painting, tax, shipping $664.00

The Arts and the Brain

From cave drawings of animals to pots decorated with lifestyle scenes or abstract icons, to sculptures of mother earth figures, art was always an integral part of the human experience. Initially, most of these objects were for utilitarian use or to convey vital information for survival, but evolved to incorporate decorative or stylistic elements that could only be used to induce visual pleasure with no practical application and these are only the objects that have survived the ravages of time. Storytelling, music and dance were likely just as important to define us as a species in the ancient world as they are now.

One again budget shortfalls in Texas have brought to the forefront the old argument of the arts versus the sciences in our public schools and the arts always takes the hit. Why? Many believe the arts to be a frivolous pursuit that doesn't contribute anything concrete, tangible, or necessary to our everyday lives, but what we are learning in our modern technological age is that belief is very wrong.

Over and over studies show that art, music and dance directly link to our ability to process language, understand math and even enhance our overall memory. Actual, measurable, physical change takes place in the brain. This is especially important in the growth of the young brain when neural connections are being formed. Drawing, singing, dancing are natural activities for young children that allow them to process and connect the increasingly complex ideas they are exposed to. This doesn't change as we get older. There is a reason that art has always been with us.

Examples: These are just a few of many studies showing the act of engaging in art directly enhancing learning ability.

Students who took arts classes had higher mathematics, verbal and composite SAT scores than students who did not take arts classes. (More than 10 million American high school students were compared) Also, the more art classes taken, the higher the SAT scores.

Creating visual art increases the ability to form images of the real world or a fictional one in the mind's eye. A person with this ability can often quickly work through many possible solutions to a problem without needing to implement each one in the real world to see the outcome. Scientists James Watson and Francis Crick attribute this ability to visualize as directly contributing to their solving the mystery of DNA structure in the early 1950s with a huge impact on scientific study and subsequent break-throughs in disease treatment.

Listening to music for 10 minutes improved students ability to form mental images from physical objects and see patterns in time and space (known as temporal reasoning) for an hour afterward.

Spatial reasoning skills improved 34 percent for preschoolers who received as little as 15 minutes of piano instruction 2 times a week. Older students given 4 months of piano training scored 166 percent higher on proportional mathematics (fractions) than those with no music training. In another study, students receiving ongoing music training did twice as well in math overall and history and geography scores increased by 40 percent. Verbal memory improvement was found to be retained a year after students had stopped taking long-term music lessons.

Background music improves eye-hand coordination. Perhaps why artists often listen to music when they are working.

My generation saw the beginning of Sesame Street and had SchoolHouse Rock. To this day I can still 'sing' the pre-amble to the constitution and know 'how a bill becomes a law." Learning should be more than strict memorization of facts. I did well in school, well enough to receive a full academic scholarship to college and I attribute the fact that the arts were a huge part of my life from its earliest stages to my overall success. Now is not the time to handicap our children in an increasingly technological world. To succeed, they need a well-rounded, multi-disciplined background in school. Cutting the arts WILL do long-term harm and keep many students from reaching their full potential.

About the painting:

"Calm Grasses"

Acrylic on board

12" x 16" (unframed dimensions)

$445

What Makes Art Good?

Over the last couple of weeks I've gotten e-mails, seen Facebook messages and run across documentaries that all lead back to the very basic question of... "what makes art good?"

Not something easily answered. There is certainly no consensus in the art world among artists. There is a movement afoot. A return to classicism. That may not be an entirely accurate word for it, but there are artists pushing hard to refocus the art world on highly realistic styles of painting. They wonder aloud, "if a patron wandered into a gallery or museum and saw a Picasso or Mondrian without the name or price tag present, would they still assign such an incredible value to it?" They have a point.

Some people think artists like and appreciate all styles of art. There are probably some who do, but overall we are just as likely to be opinionated and say "that looks like a 3-year old did it" as anyone else. Personally, abstract usually doesn't do a lot for me. That said, I have seen some beautiful abstracts that have completely captivated me. I think some people see a piece of 'art' and think, wow, I have no idea what that means, so it must be art. It must be good. Why? If you don't understand or connect to the piece why buy it?

I've watched it happen in local art auctions. Certain key words open wallets a little wider...nationally-recognized, solo shows, featured in books, gallery representation...suddenly those works become worth more even when works of equal or greater ability are present and sold for much less. Something that bothers me even more than matching art to your sofa colors is buying art purely because someone else says it's good. What's the point?...okay, I know, the hope is that some time in the future this piece of art will skyrocket in value and fund your retirement, but really, what are the odds. Buy what you love (and can afford) and proudly display it.

I recently watched a documentary on N.C. Wyeth and family. Apparently Andrew was waging a constant battle within himself over whether his work was illustration or painting. He wanted to be a painter. This I can relate to. I was trained as an illustrator, but I don't think it's always so easy to draw a line between the two. Why does one have to be better than the other? Sometimes what we value in the fine art world seems so arbitrary to me.

I like impressionism very much...can't do it myself...but I love it. Most people don't know that in their own lifetime, the impressionists weren't accepted into major shows or were hung in the back out of the way. I mean, who ever heard of a yellow sky! They were shunned and had to start their own shows to get their work in front of the public. Now we highly admire their work.

Perhaps as a society we go through phases, but what drives them, the media? I'm not entirely sure. I think all artists should study design, color, form. Learn from the masters of the past, but in the end, I think there is room for all styles of art...to suit all tastes of buyers. Is it good? Make YOUR OWN decision.

About the Painting:

Not yet titled

Acrylic on Board

12" x 16"

$445.00

This is a field off highway 51 between Granbury and Weatherford, Texas that I am rather fond of. Late summer sun setting the grasses aglow.