When did it become wrong to grieve?

Painting is a self-portrait acrylic on masonite

When did it become wrong to grieve?

Driving home yesterday I was singing along happily to Christmas carols when they were rudely interrupted by radio spots. I switched over to NPR to wait out the commercials and into the middle of a discussion about grief that hit pretty close to home. I found myself agreeing with what the psychiatrist was saying, but I quickly realized that the real point of the interview was something else. It wasn't simply a discussion of grief, but was actually about a proposal for an update to the "Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders" considered the "bible" of mental illness classifications. Grief could soon be diagnosed as a mental disorder lumped in with major depression. I was speechless. I found this absurd.

Experiencing sadness for as little as 2 weeks could earn you a diagnosis and associated antidepressive medications. What's wrong with this? Where is my empathy? Do I want people to suffer unnecessarily?

Our society has become so detached from death that we are losing the ability to cope when we lose someone close to us. In the not so recent past the body would remain in the house until burial. Photos of the dead were lovingly taken and preserved. I think grieving is entirely NECESSARY and truncating that process with drugs or labeling the person as mentally ill will only delay or prolong the suffering. We are advocating hiding from our emotions rather than understanding and dealing with them directly. Not properly dealt with, the strong emotions that accompany losing a loved one will undoubtedly resurface in times of stress, maybe years later, or may permanently affect our ability to form and keep new relationships.

A diagnosis in two weeks, pfft! It took me 2 weeks until I could actually cry when Tom died. I was in a bizarre state of surreal disbelief, shock, until that point. Fully functional, but still processing what had happened. Everyone reacts differently to death and deals with it in their own time. There isn't a right or wrong timeframe. You should feel free to express your feelings and not fear they are abnormal. That they are the result of a mental illness. Grief serves a purpose. Sadness is natural and normal.

People who suffer from situational induced depression are not at any more risk of developing crippling clinical depression than the rest of the population. Though I do not have clinical depression, I do have experience with it and strong empathy for anyone suffering with it. Tom had dealt with depression most of his life. Drugs were the ONLY way to keep it at bay. Periodically he'd develop a tolerance and have to try something new. I saw what the depression was capable of in these brief periods of ramping off and onto new meds, but I didn't know its true power. Not yet.

I did not like his doctor and was trying to persuade Tom to switch to mine. The tipping point came when Tom developed another tolerance and instead of trying him on a different medication, the doctor declared that Tom was actually not suffering from depression, but needed to quit his job and find a new one. That the job was the real problem. He refused to prescribe more drugs. I watched my competent, confident husband descend into a sea of questioning self-doubt. Unable to make even the simplest of decisions. Falling so deep into an emotional hole that he could no longer see the light to find his way out. Thoughts of ending it creeping into his conscious mind. New drugs brought him out of it. In the past, he had questioned the drugs. Were they hiding the real Tom? Were they just a mask on the 'real' person? I countered with, "You have a chemical imbalance in your brain. The drugs allow you to be the real Tom." I truly believe this and I think the episode of being off them drove the point home.

So, I do strongly believe in treating depression with medications…if in fact what you have is a real and long-lasting illness. For the majority of people, grief isn't. Is it painful, torturous? Hell, yes! My only recently rebuilt world came crashing down around me. I felt lost and I felt the loss without medication to blunt the pain or dull the mind. I forced myself to face it and am glad I did. Talk to someone you trust; family, friends or a therapist. For me writing was a way to explore my emotions. Forcing myself to put them into concrete words also made me understand and accept them. I was able to learn from them and move on with my life.

We fear what we don't understand. Tell someone you have cancer and you are overwhelmed with support and empathy. Tell someone you have a mental illness and most people back away. The stigma attached to it is deeply ingrained and completely unenlightened. In both cases something has gone wrong in the body and treatment is necessary. Attach a label of 'mental illness' to grief and it may inadvertently become something to fear. Something to hide.

Do I still get sad occasionally? Yes, of course and the holidays are a trigger for many people who have experienced loss, but understanding it can give you power over it. Will some people be unable to come out of their grief induced depression on their own? Yes, but let's not label something that is natural and a normal response to loss as an illness until it's necessary and I believe each person must make that determination for themselves.